Take Care of Me

While we are about two weeks into this deployment and the actual separation itself is not what I expected. I figured I would have been in an broken state of mind. I'm not. Yes, I'm lonely as hell, but I'm doing better than I ever expected myself to be. As you can see from my last blog, bedtime is my least favorite part of the day. I'm surviving though.

Enduring a deployment also entails getting used to whatever form of communication that is available to you. Also, adjusting to the time zone difference in order to make the communication work. Now, a marriage is between two people (unless you are polygamous, which I'm not) and it requires effort from both parties. Just one person can't keep a marriage a float. If you haven't read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I highly recommend it. I personally have taken a lot to heart from that book. I've learned how I feel loved, and how I love others.

My primary love languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch. Now we can all go ahead and write off that Physical Touch is not going to be applicable during this deployment. So what I'm left with is Quality Time. Basically that means throughout this deployment what I need most from my husband is that all the time he has free to be spent "with" me. Yes, video chat is hardly comparable to him sitting next to me, but it is all we have got to work with, so that will have to do.

I'm a person with a lot of insecurities. Its hard for me to admit that, but they sometimes eat me alive. I'm always terrified of what people think of me. Not in a sense of random humans in the world, but the humans that I have contact with. This meaning my husband, our families, and friends. I let myself be peoples doormat, I let them walk all over me. I always have, and I probably always will. Habits are hard to break.

I'd give my last breaths to my husband if that meant he could live a little longer. I have an undying and unconditional love for him. There isn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for him. I don't just want him, I need him. I know God will have to take me first because I never would survive without him. He is apart of me that I can never lose. He was my first for everything (except kiss but that didn't really count..). I would not and could not ever love again. In my deep expression of love for him, I never feel as though he reciprocates it back to me. We read The Five Love Languages together, so he knows what I need and its frustrating when those tools that we learned are not being put to good use.

He is a man, I don't expect him to cry every time I cry. I do expect him to listen to me when I'm upset. Why does he criticize when I'm already upset? Why does he kick me when I'm already down? Even if he doesn't understand why I'm upset, it still meant something to me, so does he belittle me? Don't tell me I'm stupid for having feelings, don't tell me I'm stupid at all. I never once asked him to read my mind or feel what I feel, I asked him to be my husband and help see me through it, no matter what it takes. I'd walk to the end of the earth for him. How far would he walk for me?

He is a man, I don't expect him to buy me lots of big fancy elaborate gifts. I do expect him to think about me sometimes. I'm not asking him to give like I do, because he is the receiver. Although, sometimes a little something to let me know he was thinking of me wouldn't hurt. I know he is focused on his tasks but I want to come across his mind. I want him to think about me and wonder what I'm doing, where I'm at, or what I'm wearing. Is it too much to ask that his wife crosses his mind from time to time? Am I asking him to obsessively think about me and never get me off his brain? Of course not. Like I said, he has tasks to do, I'm only asking for a little bit of space in the back of your mind. Is there no room in there for me?

He is a man, I don't expect him to actively participate in PDA(even through social media), but has it ever hurt to let someone else know that he loves me? Am I embarrassing to him? Is he ashamed he married me? Am I not good enough? Is it the way I look? Is it the way I talk? Is it because he thinks I'm a failure? Is it because he isn't happy? Is it because he thinks he can do better? Is it because he wants someone else? Is it because he sees greener grass on the other side? Is it he regrets marrying me? Is it because he wishes he never got married at all? Am I not the wife he thought he was getting? Why am I not good enough? What can I change to make him happy? What kind of wife does he want me to be? What does he want me to look like? What will make him love me enough that he isn't  ashamed to let the world know that I am his wife?

He is a man, I don't expect him to talk to me every single moment of the day, but does 30 minutes of undivided attention ever harm a relationship? There is a difference between my experience, and his experience, with this deployment. He is surrounded by familiar faces on a daily basis. The only familiar face I have is the one that stares back at me in the mirror. Has he ever thought about what it is like to truly be me? Has he ever just closed his eyes are imagined what it would be like if the roles were reversed? Why does he forget about me? Am I not important enough to him to remember that I'm back here alone? Why does he choose his coworkers over me? They never vowed to stay by his side through richer or poorer, sickness or in health, so why are they more important than me? What does he get from them, that he can't get from me? Why do I have to be placed on standby for nine months for you to spend all your time with people that didn't vow their forever's to you like I did?

He is a man, I don't expect him to hold the fort down. I do expect him to help provide the means we need to maintain OUR fort, TOGETHER. I have never asked for money, I've always been the giver of money. I'd rather see his happiness because he got something he wanted, than spend money on something for myself. I don't need much in life to survive. I  could lose every possession I have but as long as I knew he loved me, I know I would make it out all right. What makes me so hard to love?

He is a man, I don't expect him to confess his undying love for me. All I want so desperately is to feel the love that I long for, to give me the strength to face another day alone. Deployments are hard for many reasons but this shouldn't be one of them. What happen to absence makes the hard grow fonder? Absence is making his heart grow colder. He has no need for me, he said it himself. If he doesn't need me, then why hold onto me? I have tried on countless occasions to make it clear to him what I need from him. I am almost certain it went right out the other ear. How does he have the right to be mad at me when I laid my only desire out in front of him with instructions and he choses not to read them? He tells me I know that he cares, how do I know? What does he do to ensure that I know he cares? It's not words, it's not actions, then what possibly could it be? 

He is a man, I don't expect him to act like a boy. I do expect him to act like a man. I beg him to be the husband that I need. I beg for his attention. I beg for his love. I beg for his praise. I beg for his affection. I beg for him to look me in the eyes. I beg for him to make my tears stop. I beg for him to look at me with the delight he used to. I beg him to help me see my purpose. I beg him to show me why he married me. I beg him to show me his true feelings. I beg him to let his wall down, if but only for a moment. I beg to see the raw emotions that lie beneath the surface of his cold heart. I beg, and I plead, and I'm screaming out into the darkness that never answers my call. Save me, please, I'm begging you.

How am I to take care of him, if he does not take care of me?